China -- Day 2, Part C

OK, I have a confession. I love food. I can't help it, it's like an addiction. It's been years since I've gone more than just a few days without it.

We were exploring near our hotel on the second night we were in China, and I found myself in what could be called a "seedy" part of town. There were suspicious looking individuals everywhere, standing behind large contraptions, peddling their various comestibles. I was tempted. I was weak. And I partook.

It's called the "Donghuamen Night Market".

 The good thing about the place is that it had "Honest Operation Safe Purchase", which is reassuring.

...wait, what?

Yes, that is a thing that exists.

OK so it wasn't all terrifying. This is a sort of fried dumpling meatball soup. Take some shredded meat, and braise it in hot broth till it's delicious. Then take the proto-meatballs and roll them in rice flour, and deep fry them. Then serve them floating in more broth and a bunch of fresh cilantro.

Basically, it's a meatball in a dumpling. And it explodes when you eat it, firing a jet of scalding delicious liquid into your facehole.

Brittany had some too!

And Karen!

Mmmmmm... China.

OK so another confession to make. Later another stand had the same meat kabobs for sale, but they definitely weren't labeled "snake meat". They were labeled "animal penis meat".

*cough cough*

Hey look! More food!

Hailey definitely liked the sugar-marinated fruit kabobs. 

Not so much the squid.

This was sugar-coated roasted pineapple halves. Delicious!

Kidney! The best kabob that ever regulated an electrolyte balance!

Have you ever been to a zoo where you are encouraged to peek into the monkey cages and then, at lunchtime, the cafeteria serves you flame-grilled monkeyburgers? That’s the kind of perversely confident “we’re at the top of the food chain” outlook that the Donghuamen Night Market exercises each and every night. I figured that, since I’ve kissed lipstick made of crushed-up cochineal bugs (like it or not, most lipsticks are made from them), over the years I’ve been priming myself for a dish of honey-roasted crickets or caterpillar ceviche. But how do I pull off a wine pairing without looking like an unrefined slob?

There was a surprising amount of arachnids. Lets see how they taste!

 OK so supposedly this is a traditional thing in many parts of central and southeast Asia. I take issue with this statement. Fried tarantula is nasty. This fact, I think, precludes it being a "local delicacy".

First, please note that tarantulas are hairy. Deep-frying this creature makes it taste like burnt hair smells.

Secondly, the abdomen was full of a thick sticky paste, consisting of the majority of the creature's organs, viscera, and excrement. It immediately gave me flashbacks to my time in the orthodontist's office, getting my braces removed, the adhesive thick on my tongue.

Later, our tour guide told me that they started eating insects and such when there were marauding Mongolian hordes keeping the Chinese people from doing things like farming or raising animals. This can't be accurate. Nobody would purposely choose to eat one of these, once they have had one in their mouth.

Really, this is the only proper response.

Hailey's response was also appropriate.